TAKING THE LEAP


bringing all of my courage to bear
taking the deepest, sweetest breaths I can.
feeling around with my hand
for another one to hold.

there is no way
I am taking the leap
alone.

the water that I covet so much
is much too deep.

but it’s so inviting and warm,
enticing and seducing me like a woman
whose embrace I’ve always sought.

will you do the dive
make the plunge
and take the leap with me?

I’d feel better
if you did.

TIMELESS

Who knows how long it’s been
Since we last spoke to each other,
Looked each other in the eye,
And smiled for each other?

Who knows?

Maybe a year.
Maybe yesterday.

But you see,
We’ve been a part of each other
Since the dawn of man.

We were there for each other
When philosophers carved on marble
And emperors wore robes.

Our bond is as strong
As a tree
That has outlived us
Eight times over.

No matter how many days
Or weeks
Months or years
We don’t see or hear each other

I always know that you are there.

We are timeless
In the truest sense.

Think of that.

Timeless.

THE SPOTLIGHT

And now the Spotlight is yours.
The one you’ve worked so hard to bask in.
The one you’ve ached and thirsted for.

And you have earned your place in the Spotlight,
Your moment in the sun.

Every time I hear you sing,
A bluebird flies through my soul
As though sent from the rays
Of the Spotlight.

I have heard you rehearse
And watched you hone your craft.

And now that you’re in the Spotlight,
Bathed in its dazzling glow,
My pride for you swells
Like a balloon.

So take a bow,
Much deserved and well-eaerned.

For as long as you hold the Spotlight,
I will be in the audience,
Cherishing it…

Cherishing you.

Positively Charged

I wish for every

Man, woman, child and beast

The feelings I feel right this minute.

I am positively charged.

I am absolutely electrified.

If you plugged me

Into a wall socket

I could light up

An entire city.

I am brimming with joy.

Overflowing with delight.

The hairs on my arms

Stand on end

As these words come rushing out.

I feel masculine

And feminine

And everything in between.

I could jump and touch the clouds

Or dive five thousand feet

On a single deep breath.

I feel the magic inside of me

The delight like a bubble

Too beautiful to burst.

I am positively charged.

The Victorious Lady

She has reached a point now in her life

Where she is beholden to no one and nothing.

And nothing stands in her way,

And she has worked hard

As a business owner,

A wife

And a mother.

She is efficient

And effective

More so than the men

Who fumble and scratch their heads.

She can do

And has done.

Now she is victorious.

So she kicks up her feet

And lights a cigar.

The smoke dances joyfully

Blown from her mouth

In triumph.

She is pleased

And proud of herself,

The only person she needs

To please.

the idea of surrender

do I know what it means to truly surrender?

have I every really let go?

I don’t know.

why am I attached to an outcome?

dictated by a result?

I ought not to be.

have I ever really let go of the rope?

taken my hand off of the wheel?

I don’t think so.

why the hell can’t I just surrender?

melt into the sand?

let my spine soften and loosen?

and not be in control?

Can’t I for once let my body take over?

let my heart do the talking?

and leave my mind’s whine in the distance?

why does the idea of surrender

raise more questions for me

than it answers?

Because I have not surrendered.

Not in a very long time.

A WIDER WORLD THAN THIS ONE

The thought has crossed my mind

That I couldn’t survive

Past the county line

For more than a day.

I wonder if the world

Is limited to the walls

Of my office.

But when I close my eyes

I want to believe

That there’s a wider world

Than what I see.

I want to open my eyes

And see the waves

Lapping gently on the sand

At Virgin Gorda.

I want to sniff

And smell the lavender

Blossoming and bettering

Provence and Lyon.

When I turn my head

I want my jaw to drop

As it does whenever I go

To Times Square or Sunset Boulevard.

A life of relentless summer

And thudding sameness

Is no life at all.

Wind has to blow

And release the golden leaves.

Snow has to fall

And turn cardinals into beacons.

The world has to be wider

Than the little portion

I see every day.

I just know it.

An October Day in Florida

I remember that Sunday in October.

It was as glorious and bountiful

as any you could have ever imagined.

The heat and humidity that usually accompany such a day in Florida

Were nowhere to be found.

When you stepped out into the glowing day,

you were kissed by the sunshine,

And you were as happy to see it as a family member

you hadn’t seen in many a moon.

As far as the eye could see, there were cobalt blue skies

punctuated by little white clouds,

barely perceptible to the naked eye.

There was enough of a breeze to make you smile,

as you do when a puppy licks your cheeks.

It buffeted your hair and made the trees sway

like dancers behind a vaudeville singer.

Walking around on that October Sunday in Florida

made you feel aglow, like you’re supposed to walk around being.

For me, it was close enough to my birthday

that I felt like I had received an early gift from Nature herself.

I closed my eyes and wondered how it could be better.

Maybe about ten or fifteen degrees cooler, I reasoned.

Maybe I’m driving through the sloping streets where

I grew up.

Maybe the leaves are the brightest oranges and yellows in the world.

Just like I’m told they were

The day I came home after I was born.

MORSEL

Your lover places a little

Chocolate chip

On the tip

Of your outstretched tongue

And you gratefully retract it.

But you don’t dare

Chew on the chocolate chip

On your tongue’s tip.

You just let the morsel

Sit there.

For five seconds.

Ten seconds.

Twenty to a steadfast heart.

Long enough for the

Chocolate

To melt in your mouth

And become part of you.

Just like your lover will be

When she gives you

A kiss far sweeter

Than chocolate.

Untitled

A very peculiar phenomenon happens to me about once a year and bears sharing with you, so I hope you forgive me if it sounds at all like I’m trying to sort myself out. At least once a year for the past three years, someone in the public eye whom I didn’t follow dies unexpectedly and I find myself quite stunned, without knowing precisely why.

Over two years ago, readers of this space will recall that I was shocked at the death of the actor Natasha Richardson, despite maybe having seen portions of one film of hers. My reaction to that distressing event is found here: http://mmcilvain.blogspot.com/2009/03/something-for-natasha-some-years-ago.html

Last November, when I received word that another actor, Jill Clayburgh, had died of leukemia, I couldn’t get her out of my mind for two days. I’d only ever seen two films of Clayburgh’s: Silver Streak and her signature role in An Unmarried Woman. I recall posting a certain scene from the latter film on my Facebook page and beholding Clayburgh’s porcelain face.

Which leads me to today, when I found out that Dan Wheldon, a race car driver who had won two Indianapolis 500’s, was killed in a fiery and, by all accounts, remarkably nasty 15-car wreck in a race in Las Vegas. Now, I understand that this is the risk you run when you get behind the wheel of an open wheel race-car going 225 miles an hour. But the suddenness and finality of it are wrenching to say the least.

So why am I shocked about this? Maybe because Wheldon was very close to my age. He was thirty-three, which is what I’ll be in about two weeks. He had a two year old child, and that’s unsettling enough. Or it could be that this unfolded before a network television audience over ABC, and the trauma that those who watched either there or at the racetrack in person will take months or years to undo. Mind you, I did not watch this unfold, nor do I wish to. Video of the event is apparently on Youtube, but for me to attach it would be exploitative.

And in answer to the larger question, why do I grieve—for lack of a word—these disparate people who I did not follow, that I was no particular fan of, but whose accomplishments were many and meaningful, I can guess at a couple of things. One is that since they were in the public eye and had cameras trained on them for large portions of their lives, I did not expect to see them go. Richardson’s death and in particular Wheldon’s death were violent and unexpected—recall that Richardson had suffered delayed head trauma whilst learning to ski; Clayburgh did well keeping her battle with Leukemia private. But all three deaths had my jaw dropping.

Another theory is a little more prosaic, but easier for me to subscribe to: I am told that I am innately empathetic. Tomorrow morning, I don’t even know how many people will pick up the morning paper, read about the Wheldon tragedy, think to themselves, “Gee, that’s unfortunate”, and forget it at least until it’s brought up again. But think again of the people who watched the horrific wreck at the racetrack, or those who watched it on live television. They’ll have nightmares for a long time to come. And I daren’t contemplate Wheldon’s wife and child, who will miss him now and forever.

And who knows? Tomorrow morning, Dan Wheldon’s death may be the furthest thing from my mind as I commute to my office. But I couldn’t let this calamity go unnoticed. Who can say why the leaving of certain lives touches or distresses other people. And how in the world can you find the words to comfort yourself, even if you didn’t know that person well or at all. It’s very hard to make sense of the senseless.

THE AWESOME BURDEN

We brought you to this high office

Because we trusted you.

We believed in you enough

To want you to be our leader.

We wanted the world to change

And become something better

And more beautiful.

We thought you could do it.

We thought your shoulders were

Strong enough

And broad enough

To bear

This awesome burden.

And how have you rewarded our faith?

With the same lies

As nearly every other man

Who’s slept in your bed.

We can’t lean on your shoulders to cry on

When our children die fighting

The war you promised to end.

We wanted change

And all you gave us were two quarters

Because it’s all you really wanted us

To have.

The youngest of us look up to you

Wanting to be like you.

But you look down on them

As you do the rest of us.

All you are is an empty suit

Full of words

That you’ve broken like

Thin glass.

The house you live in

Was built by men with strong hearts

And words as strong as oak.

And their spirits, I would like to think,

Walk with you.

But you ignore them.

All you wanted was a power

You can never fully grasp.

I can’t see that whoever follows in

The tracks of your perfectly shined shoes

Would want anything more, either.

Someday, the Awesome Burden will be held

By someone who is equal to it.

I, and all who come after me,

Want to see that happen.

A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE

Lying prone on my purple bedspread

Deep into the night.

Your spirit comes into me.

It’s traveled a million miles

Guided by your warmth and sweetness

Finally finding me alone

And eagerly awaiting it.

It washes over me as though from a waterfall

And it enters my bloodstream

Sending love and magic through every synapse.

It is as though we had already bonded

Although we’ve never even met.

I enjoy every second,

Letting you move through me from miles away,

I have to tell myself to slow down,

For I can already see us

Growing old together,

Loving and enjoying our time together.

But we still have so much in store

For each other.

I tell myself this

As I turn out the light

All alone in my house.

And now, the sun has risen.

And your spirit still wavers

And tarries inside of me.

Curing all of my ills.

Inspiring me.

ARIA

His Saturday morning chores

Are finally done.

The leaves have been raked

From the lawn

And the headlights on his car

Have been replaced.

It’s just about one’oclock.

So he comes home,

Doffs his jacket and hat,

And comes into the study.

There’s no teevee in the study.

Just a well-worn, welcoming, comfy chair

With a radio on an end table next to it.

He turns on the radio and it

Gives off a warm little pop.

And almost immediately he is greeted

By an opera.

The man settles back in his chair

And closes his eyes.

He imagines the opera house with its tiers

And golden curtain, soon to part,

Revealing a magical place.

The cold, brittle world sluices away,

Melting with every jaunty and ethereal note.

He’s heard this opera several times before,

And many others like it.

The opera has never failed to enchant and

Enrapture him.

His mind can’t understand everything

The soprano is singing,

But his heart does,

And that is all he needs to know.

For the next hours of his life,

There is no worry

Or concern,

Only the special contentment

That an opera can provide.

No one dares disturb him

During the opera.

This is as close to Heaven

As he can get on Earth.

First Thing in the Morning

Sometimes

nothing is

so sweet as

silence.

Only the

sound of

my deep,

gentle

breathing.

No noise

from the

television,

the radio,

the cars

and the

neighbors.

The sun rises,

the birds

chirp and

sing.

The breeze

jangles the

wind chimes

and rustles

the leaves.

And so

I lie there

in my bedclothes,

supine and soft,

savoring

the silence

of the dawn.

LIFE RAMBLE

I’m alive, yes.

But I’m not living.

The thirst for adventure

For change

For excitement

Is too great.

I need to walk

And talk

And fuck

And relish all of it.

All of this magic

That I possess

And the love I have

In store

Is useless

Without anyplace to

Put it.

I need to travel

And see amazing things.

Macchu Picchu. Everest.

The Great Barrier Reef.

The Grand Canyon.

My fear has held me back

From my life for too long.

I have sat on my ass

And watched the parade pass

Too many times.

Before it’s too late,

I want to hold your face

In my hands and

Kiss your lips

And mean it.

I want to dive

As far as a man can go

On a single breath.

Satori.

The need to touch

The beard of God.

No more fear.

No more shame.

Getting naked.

Screaming.

Swearing.

Sweating.

Until I am exhausted and spent.

Freedom from everything.

Uncompromised, unfettered love.

Life without death.

Ecstasy without embarrassment.

Life.

No more waiting.

No more watching.

Time to live.

Juno in Bali

Sitting around the bonfire in Bali

Watching the tribe dance and flit

Invoking the magnificent gods.

Suddenly a peacock appears

At my feet.

Where did he come from?

He didn’t just wander here.

I turn my head

And to my right

Juno is seated

Right next to me.

My heart grows miles big

And I want to tell Juno

A million things.

But she understands them all.

I haven’t had to say a word.

And while the tribe sings and dances and drums,

Juno’s heart tells mine,

“I’m proud of you.”

Then she wraps me in her goatskin cloak

And I feel divinely protected.

The things we don’t have to say to each other

Sing louder than the voices around us.

Juno disappears.

Her love does not,

And never will.

They Came Home

They came home

After being away for a year or so

Fighting in a faraway land

And keeping us safe.

They came home

After staring the devil in the face.

They lived to talk about it.

I’m sure they were so scared.

They came home

After seeing such horror

Not even an angel

Could fathom it.

But they came home.

They came home

To a mother

And father

And friends that loved them so much.

They came home

And they would never be the same.

Now the biggest hardships

Could be tossed off with a shrug.

Once you come home

After seeing such evil and such need

Everything is different.

But sooner or later

By hook or by crook

you do come home.

And they came home.

THE LAIR OF THE GODDESS


Here
In her lair
Is where life thrives.

Here
In her lair
Is where time ceases to be.

Here
In her lair
Is where truth lives.

This is the lair
Of the Goddess.

This is where
Her power grows
And flourishes.

This is where
Magic happens
And spirits sing.

The fortunate few
Who enter
The lair of the Goddess

Find themselves
Forever changed.

The Immaculate Love

To Sarah and Lily Belle

There may not be

A love quite like

That of a mother

For her baby.

It is an immaculate love.

Clean and pure as the

Falling snow.

Solid and strong as the

Tallest, thickest wall.

The newborn’s whole hand

Could fit in Mommy’s pinky

And it is the tie

That binds forever.

Baby’s eyes lock on Mommy’s

And the connection is deep

And permanent.

Their love will never fail

And never wither or die.

For it is absolute and real.

It is an immaculate love,

That of a mother and a baby.

Unspoiled, inalienable, and holy.

Human words quail in its face

And sadness is easily defeated

By its beauty.

The smile of a newborn babe

And the wonder of its mother.

Form a bond and a love

Like no other.

Valley Forge

How he longed to be six again,

running through the meadows

at Valley Forge

Holding a red balloon

as he skipped and pranced,

Smiling the untroubled,

innocent smile of a

child unwrinkled by life.

Coming to rest under a big oak tree

and lying in the tall grass

where a wounded Continental soldier

may once have.

He wished he could have relished

those carefree days

Now that he spent all his time

before the computer

in his office.

He wished he'd never let that

red balloon go

that perfect day

at Valley Forge.

A Softening

There is a softening

that takes place

in the blood, the bones

and the skin

when one swims in

the warmest waters

and walks in the humid air.

There is a softening

of the heart

when forgiveness is offered

and when it is granted.

When someone's skin

sets upon yours

declaiming love for you

do you not feel soft?

Safe?

Loved, honored, and protected?

There is a softening

when we forget the

worries and wars

of the world

and turn inward,

to find deep

and abiding love.

The softer we feel,

the more loving

and loved we are

and the more peaceful

the world around us is.

After all,

the wings of angels

are not comprised of

steel and stone,

but of kindness, sweetness

and love.

I think this is how

we get to heaven--

by softening.

ALL OR NOTHING

All dressed up
With nowhere to go.

All these thoughts and ideas
But no sounding board.

All these emotions and feelings
And no shoulders broad enough
For them.

So many assets
That I can’t spend.

This plethora of wonderful things
I must do alone.

I want it all.
I need it all.
I can’t shout into the vacuum forever.

Give me your all,
As I do.

Or give me nothing.

To Elizabeth

I hope you had a splendid trip, Elizabeth.
What will happen now that you're Up There?

Will you see your father up there
consorting with Dali & Van Gogh?

Will Michael do a pirouette
spangling in his sequined suit?

Is Eddie crooning
and making teenyboppers swoon
while snapping his Magic Fingers?

Is Richard waiting for you
so he can love you again
as your angels must have intended?

Will you twinkle and sparkle
in white diamonds?

Do you know how many people
who loved you so much
who will be so happy
to see you?

Let us know what it's like up there, Elizabeth.
Give us a sign you're okay.
We loved you so much.
Perhaps too well.

Our star is a little dimmer, Elizabeth.
But Heaven is far, far brighter.

TIME OUT OF MIND*

My back against the wall

Of a heated swimming pool.

Alone with my thoughts.

The chatter inside my mind

Growing fainter and fainter

Until the only noise in my head

Is of a whispered prayer for peace.

My eyes close as the warm water

Seeps into my bare skin.

I open them

And the world seems different.

War, famine, and bedlam

Have all set with the sun.

All that’s left is this dark paradise;

The candles, the pool, the crickets,

And me.

And now, you join me.

Our energies will make this moment

Truly timeless.

*to Cathy Braun

JUST

I just happened

To think of you

Just now.

I just wanted to be

In your embrace

Just below the covers.

I just felt

The glow inside of you.

Oh, how happy it makes me.

I just closed my eyes

And saw the twinkle

In yours.

I just think

Everything is just

So much nicer

With you.

I just have to

Find you.

God's Smile

Stopped for a light

on a quiet intersection

I rub my eyes.

And when I blink,

I see His smile.

A perfectly round,

wordless,

immaculate smile.

A smile without eyes

or a face.

I blink again,

and I still see His smile.

It could only be God.

He wants me to know that

He loves me.

Exquisitely, perfectly,

and without regret.

The light turns, and I

drive on.

God has smiled upon me this day.

He didn't have to, but He did.

His smile will never leave

my soul, even during its

darkest night.

When God smiles,

all my words

are futile

to state his grace.

Racehorse

pawing at the dirt.
biting my lip.
champing at the bit.

waiting for the jarring
of the bell
to open the gate.

ready to charge
like a screaming soldier
with a bayonet
from the metal
constriction.

twenty others like me
know how I feel.
just as hungry.
just as desperate.

racing for a glory
that we can only
hint at.

A Safe Place

In a safe place

A safe, warm place

a safe, warm, peaceful place

is where I need to be.

In a soft place

A soft, sweet place

with soft, sweet and happy people

is where I belong.

In a quiet place

a quiet, tranquil, place

a quiet, tranquil, desolate place

is where I should get.

Far from the noise

far from the noise and chill

far from the noise and chill and dampness

As far as I can go.

Where the angels play

where they play and laugh

where they play and laugh and sing,

that's the only thing.

All I want

is a safe place.

Where is it?

BIG GAME

Big game

Played by big men

in a big stadium

with a big scoreboard

in a big state.

Big game

for big money

for the big men

with big egos

and big bank accounts.

Big game

watched by guys

with big bellies

and big appetites

for big chips and

big dips.

Big problems for

the wife of the

big guy watching

the big game

on his big screen.

"Big boy's mine,"

she says.

Big game

in the big stadium

watched by big movers

and big shakers

in big suites,

wanting to make the

big deal.

Boy, this big game

must be a big deal.

You know what I say

to the big guys

and their big game?

BIG DEAL!

Do You (A greeting card)

Do you
have in your life
someone who gladdens
your soul?

Do you
know anyone
who lightens
your heart?

Do you
know anybody
who always makes
you smile?

Even
as you
fall asleep?

Do you
have someone
whose voice
is that of your
angel?

And whose
fairy dust
always sends
you soaring?

I do.

That someone

Is YOU!

Cardinal in Winter

A cardinal is

So indomitably

Red,

Even against

The grey sky

And the encompassing

Snow.

Flitting back and forth,

Hither and yon,

A cardinal can’t help

But cheer his

Surroundings.

A dash of color

In a white world,

A cardinal

Brings me

Hope.

Single Snowflake

Out of the milky grey sky

on a frosty January day

snow falls softly and

sweetly.

Billions of snowflakes

waft and rock

falling all the while.

I stand at the window,

looking up,

picking a single snowflake

to follow to the ground.

I focus on the snowflake

like a scientist

with a microscope.

Noticing how much different

this snowflake is

from all the others.

How it twists and dances,

and always falls down,

still putting on its show for me.

A snowflake revels in its beauty

and embraces

its individuality,

like everyone who watches it

should.

All the way down

goes the snowflake

until it submits to its fate,

And joins

billions of others

on the ground,

for us to step on,

until it melts.