DIALSCAN DOES DALLAS: MAY 25, 2009 (MEMORIAL DAY)

You knew and I knew I couldn’t stay away from radio criticism forever. I’ve been observing the Cannes Film Festival; I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen enough tuxedoes, evening gowns, red carpet arrivals, press conferences and paparazzi over the past eleven days to last me probably forever. Seeing one premiere is one thing; after observing all or part of sixteen over a week-and-a half, I wonder how they do it and still keep their heads above water. But that’s all in the rearview mirror; the Yankees have been torrid, from what I understand, and now find themselves in the Metroplex on Memorial Day.

We start at a jazz station this trip; KNTU-FM 88.1 to be specific. I’m greeted by the sound of an organ and I wonder if this isn’t Miles from his electric period. Very possible. I can’t help but wonder if on a hot Memorial Day in North Texas, folks don’t just stay in their bedrooms and put this music on. Who needs barbeques when you’ve got this. I just found out; it’s called Everyday People. The Announcer says it’s by three guys, but he rattles their names off like they’re in a law firm. Furthermore, it sounds like the dude is outside. The traffic commentator comes on—she doesn’t have any urgency in her voice, and she thinks that by nearly whispering into the mike, she can get more people subscribing for membership; KNTU is a public station, after all. She does take care to tell me there will be a lot of traffic around Rangers Ballpark; I’m sure the Rangers fans fleeing in horror from the whipping the Yankees are giving them. Better give them a mulligan and get back with them—I can’t blame them too much for not wanting to work on a national holiday.

Past the litany of Christian rock stations and country music stations we go, up and up the FM dial until we land at WRR-FM 101.1, the classical music station. Just now, we’re hearing Anton Rubinstein’s Violin Concerto in G, Opus 60. I may have heard of Anton Rubinstein or not; having been marinated in classical music for the past two decades or more, I couldn’t tell you where or when. But it does sound lovely. Give me a moment while I lie in the lavender…

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A piece by Leroy Anderson is next on the playlist, according to the avuncular-sounding Announcer. But not before a few commercials—the commercial classical music station is a dying breed, hanging in as slowly and surely as this guy seems to be talking. I’m told that this Anderson piece is actually fairly popular, but this is the first time I think I’ve heard it. If I had five dollars for every time I am going to have to hear Sleigh Ride come Christmas, I would buy Dancer, Prancer and Blitzen. But I don’t want to even contemplate Christmas just now.

A couple more healthy spins on the knob lands me at KESN-FM 103.3, which is an ESPN-owned station. I can hardly wait until I get to 105.5. Evidently someone or other has taken the day off out there, as well. A commercial just came on for a previous sporting event—I don’t care if it’s Memorial Day or not. Radio is, it bears repeating, the medium of the “hear and now”. What if Derek Jeter gets traded to Kansas City in the next five minutes? I have no patience for radio laziness.

Let’s get over to the AM radio dial, starting with KVCE-AM 1160. I’m promptly greeted with a cheerful Announcer heralding “an encore presentation of the Biz Radio Network.” Nobody at Cannes demanded an encore, so why should I want one from a radio station in Dallas? While I’ve been typing that, nothing but commercials have been airing. The hell with ‘em.

At KFSR-AM 1190, I’m greeted with the only thing worse than an encore presentation, and that is silence. Dead air where the audio feed of CNN Headline News should be. Not even Simon and Garfunkel’s The Sounds of Silence, just good old-fashioned silence. That’s probably a blessing in disguise; from what I understand, this station has gone through more format changes than Eva Peron probably had shoes.

So one full turn of the dial later, we find ourselves at KTCK-AM 1310, where instead of the sports talk that the station promises, some whiny twit wants to know why he has to work today, or anyone else for that matter. He wants America to shut down on Memorial Day, the way it does at Christmas. One of his partners wonders why there are not mandatory flower-laying ceremonies for every American. It could be argued that they do not want to talk about the crib job the Texas Rangers just put forth (an 11-1 loss to the Bombers). But I would hate to be stealing their thunder. They seem like upright, well-meaning, ramrod-straight Americans to me. But when you get down to brass tacks, all they’re doing is killing time. A chap who works at a country club calls to tell the hosts that there were 180 players on his golf course this morning; he is summarily dismissed from the air by these ramrod, straight arrow Americans apparently for not being reverent enough. I neither know nor care. All that matters is that their broadcast is two minutes behind.

Let’s move on to Rational Radio, KMNY-AM 1360. Rational Radio is subtitled Progressive Talk Radio, which really means Screw George Bush Without a Condom Radio. Some chap called Richard Hunter (I hope that’s who this is; I’m deathly afraid that he’s taking the day off, too) is talking to his engineer or producer –I forget which—about his cell phone ringtone. Must be a slow news day. I look at his show’s website; he does not seem like a man I want to screw around with, what with his long, scarlet-streaked hair, his black fingernails, and his assassin’s stare. But the good news for now, anyway, is that he’s working today and not complaining. In this way, Richard seems like my antithesis. All that being said, would someone please tell the producers and owners of Progressive Talk Radio that George W. Bush can’t hurt them anymore? Wait a minute—someone just broke in with a traffic update to say that there are no problems on the highways. When I started this, there were; there’s no traffic anymore? You watch. At another station, I’ll find a hell of a hassle on one of the highways. What’s more, you can actually watch this Richard chap host his show, and it’s actually live, not the minute or so behind that the station’s audio has apparently been. So I purse my jaw and change stations.

All the way down at the other end of the dial from Rational Radio (depending who you ask), we find KLIF-AM 570. Aha! There’s at least two traffic accidents in the Metroplex, according to the traffic reporter. Someone has been yanking my chain! So I guess Rational Radio is also Lying Bastard Radio! HA! My buzz deflates when I find out that Jon-David Wells, who is normally on by now, is off today. His replacement, some dolt named Chris, is coming on like one of those third-rate preachers you see on teevee every Sunday morning. That’s probably appropriate, given the fact that he’s defending the First Baptist Church of Dallas from some hitherto unpardonable sin. Alas, he’s a mere replacement, given a microphone and three hours to make his case for fleeting glory.

Last stop on the tour: WBAP-AM 820, the supposed News and Talk of Texas. Sean Hannity may or may not be doing his show live. Don’t put it past him not to be. His guest thinks Barack Obama has a great smile. We’ll see how great it is on January 20, 2013, and that’s all I have to say…