DIALSCAN: NEW YORK, MARCH 29, 2009

 

(Author’s Note: To keep myself fresh as much as anything else, and because I love radio so very much, I am introducing the Dialscan as a recurring feature on the blog. I hope you enjoy it, as much I enjoy hearing it.)

 

            I’m locked in to 1010 WINS, which is variously New York’s one and only all news station, New York’s weather station, and New York’s traffic and transit authority. It’s similar to KYW 1060, which my father would have us listening to on so many mornings as he drove us to Woodlynde School in Stratford, PA., late more often than not. Those of you in the know can recite the mantra from memory: “You give us twenty-two minutes, We’ll give you the world.” Cocky little bastards, aren’t they.?

 

            I’d let them give me the world if the stream weren’t behind by two minutes.

 

            So I try its sister station, WCBS 880. They’re busy airing 60 Minutes. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a radio simulcast of a teevee program. The unblinking eye can only see so much.

 

            Now I try WFAN, America’s first all-sports-talk station. No one does it better than WFAN, except they’re behind in the stream as well, and if I had my druthers, I really would not want to be appraising the storytelling skills of someone called Adam the Bull. Judging from his photo, he looks like he should be calling WFAN 660 and not hosting one of its shows. I really shouldn’t have said that, because now I fear that Adam the Bull is gonna get off the air, hook up with Vinnie the Goat and Lenny the Lemur and come looking for me, lead pipes and chains in hand.

 

            I decide on something a little more civilized, a little more urbane, and something I would be caught dead listening too. WQXR 96.3 is the perfect choice. I sigh contentedly as Mozart’s Sonata for Violin and Piano in C comes pouring through my six-channel headphones. Oh, bliss. Bliss and Heaven. I could drift away on a cloud of joy as the sun sets. So, too, would the people gliding up and down Fifth Avenue in their gilded, wood-appointed Bentleys and Jaguars and Benzes. Of course, in their case, there is the small matter of watching the road to be attended to.  By the way, the Announcer tonight, Miss Candice Agree, holds a second job as an Announcer for CBS News. (Note that on these kinds of stations, they’re referred to Announcers, and on the somewhat less sophisticated stations, they’re called DJ’s.) Candice seems to be pretty attractive, if photos of her are any sort of barometer. I’ve mentioned Candice’s credo, as outlined on the WQXR website, earlier in the blog; it’s Goethe’s famous musing, “One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words." As I said that, the connection took a dip. But the news is not all bad for me, nosiree. WQXR can be heard on ITunes (not Youtunes or Histunes, mind you), the AOL Radio Player and the RealPlayer (as compared, of course, to the Phony Player, which can be said about the any of the Washington Nationals.) I think my kitty-cat, Choo-Choo, enjoys this music as well, because he jumps onto my lap any time I listen to classical music.  

 

            Jeez, classical music sure beats the hell out of music that sounds like it was recorded at the same tempo at which I’m sure human beings have sex. And it’s a lot better than what Dave Barry describes as music “recorded live in hell.”

 

            Beethoven on now. His Quartet for Strings in E-flat, Opus 74, otherwise known as the “Harp” quartet, evidently recorded live. You can always tell when it’s recorded live, owing to the barely perceptible coughing in the audience and the ambience in the turning of the pages on the score. As I understand, some of these radio stations have specialized CD players that shut down automatically when the music ends. So it stinks when the player cuts off the applause on some of these live recordings and the Announcer has to sound ever so contrite. By my clock it’s 8:29PM, and Miss Agree should have started playing Copland’s Dance Panels by now. Some of these radio stations, which pride themselves on running on time, sometimes sound as though they’re being run by the MTA. So…

 

            We move on to WNYC 93.9, and their Evening Music. I tread with caution, however, because their shtick when it comes to Evening Music is “progressive classical” music, which translates to “music so experimental that even the composers sometimes don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.” Just now, it’s some cockamamie guitar piece. I don’t know what it’s called, or who wrote it—the WNYC Media Player has a very funny way of deciding when to tell me what “progressive classical” music they’re playing. I can only take about two minutes or so of mystery music, and so, skipping over WNYC-AM 820 (the counter-revolutionaries at NPR much of the time) and WNYC2, which could be playing the same ditty its father station is playing, off I go, over the George Washington Bridge, and into Newark...

 

            …or maybe not, because WBGO 88.3 is into some queer jazz-rock fusion piece involving a solo violin, which is completely incongruous.

 

            I just realized something. Major League Baseball archives all of its radio broadcasts, and even has plenty of vintage radio games. I’m saved. When in doubt, turn to a bat and a ball. You’ll never be sorry.

 

            We’ll do it again soon, I hope.